HOW DO YOU REINFORCE POSITIVE SELF ESTEEM?

HOW DO YOU REINFORCE POSITIVE SELF ESTEEM?

"Wisdom of Nature calls at all seasons, When will you learn from her instruction, Understanding speaks aloud and gives sound reasons, When will you listen, hear and take discretion" (Chief John Snow, l977, p. 149).

GOALS: 11.1: To know how to increase a positive self-concept in others;

11.2: To be able to utilize a positive asset search;

11.3: To be able to combine a positive asset search with exploration of meaning.

COMMENT: Ask the participants if they have any questions from the previous module. Do not spend more than 5 minutes on questions. If participants have more questions, invite them to ask their questions after the module.

ACTIVITY 11.1: Presentation

TIME: 20 Minutes

TITLE: Emphasizing the Positive

According to Ross Rupert (l992) "a multitude of studies point to self esteem problems as an important source of violence, especially against women and children" (p. 172). In fact, he goes on to say that most court records indicate that a contributing factor in most unlawful acts is the low self esteem of the offenders. While few people go to the extreme of taking out their frustrations on others, it does illustrate the relationship of self esteem and constructive living. Most of us have seen the result of a negative self image, which has resulted in the loss of potential to the First Nations community. While it is easy to criticize others for not doing the right thing, we should remember the ways of the elders. Ross (l992) describes the rationale of the elders this way:

The elders seem to think it counter-productive to tell an offender constantly how much damage he has done, how he has hurt others, how it is his failure to control his harmful impulses that is to blame. Instead, they seem to make a deliberate attempt to improve each offender's self-esteem by reminding him of his potential for goodness, of his capacity to move forward, with help, towards self-fulfillment. Their constant emphasis upon respect, including respect for one's self. By offering their assistance and counselling, they demonstrate their belief in each person and their faith that they can get themselves back on the path to a good life. (p. 172)

Majority society's emphasis on punishment and humiliation is in direct contrast to the notion of First Nations' elders. As Peer support givers you are in a position to enact the wisdom of the elders with everyone that is in need of help. It is true First Nations people grow up in the majority society with the challenge of conflicting values and expectations. On one hand they are drawn to traditional practices, yet they are also attracted to the flare of the majority society. One 12-year old First Nations child summed it up this way:

"Anglo kids, they won't let you get away with anything. Tell them something, and fast as lightening and loud as thunder, they'll say, "I'm better than you, so there!" My father says it's always been like that." (Santrock & Yussen, l992, p. 542)

Many people will become discouraged about their lives and, will begin to shrink away from it. First, there is a disappointment which seems to assault their self-esteem. They lose confidence in themselves. This is followed by not reaching out to others and withdrawing into themselves. They feel increasingly negative about themselves. A vicious cycle develops from which it is very difficult to escape. Thus negativity seems to beget negativity. For people living in an unfamiliar setting this negativity can translate into an inability to make new friends or to respond to new situations, sleeping excessively, or feeling "blue." Life to these people has become too difficult, and so they have a difficult time coping. Even finding a solution to what is bothering them becomes a hassle. Everyday life is viewed as painful. The idea of enriching everyone's self esteem as a part of the process is the only right thing to do. Everyone has bad experiences from which they can learn to become better people, but the effective helper can ensure that every encounter empowers others.

There are two sides to the pain and discomfort that block First Nations people from facing difficult problems. This is often called the "flight-fight response." While it should be remembered that there is pain and discomfort on both sides, the difference is in one's response to it. One response, like a deer caught in the lights of an on-coming car, results in a kind of paralysis where an inability to do anything occurs. The consequence of this kind of response involves a giving up and a subsequent feeling of helplessness transpires. The other response is exactly the opposite because the pain stirs up a desire to do something. This is the fight response which is similar to a bear on a wilderness path when surprised. The bear will attack, but as a result, most of us stay out of the way of the bear. But perhaps we can emulate the bear, by the way we face problems - directly. Fear can be viewed as a challenge and a chance for a new beginning. This attitude might be summed up in the words of the philosopher - Nietzche's - ". . . that which does not kill me makes me stronger."

The Positive Asset Search

It is human nature which motivates people to respond in a positive way when they experience something positive, This notion was reinforced by Schachter's (l971) experiment consisted of putting 25 cents in the return slot of a public telephone for every other person who used it. When the people came out of the phone booth, a woman would drop a book. Eighty-seven percent of the people who found the money helped the woman, while only 4% of the people who did not find the money helped. Schachter concluded that finding the money put the people in a good mood, which made them feel more positive. The more positive people are, the more likely they will help others. Taking this idea one step further, we can conclude that making people feel positive about themselves makes them more adaptable, open, and sociable. Interesting people will be more attracted to others if they are perceived as being positive. In essence, a positive attitude is just as high on attractiveness as physical assets. For a peer support giver the implications of these findings are extensive. The peer support giver, through positive verbal and non-verbal behaviour, can in fact get an individual to talk while at the same time reinforce the individual's self-esteem.

One effective method of enhancing self-esteem is by using what Allen Ivey (l983) calls the positive asset search. This is a process of focusing on strengths as a means of encouraging him or her to use these strengths to cope and overcome any challenge. This strategy can be used in the following manner:

The peer support giver asks what has happened recently which the person feels really good about. An alternative step is for the peer support giver to comment on some positive strength or aspect about the person. For example, the peer support giver could focus on something the person has done recently (e.g. grades) or on some aspect of the person (e.g., intelligence, sensitivity, etc.).

The peer support giver uses basic listening skills to explore the positive asset(s) in more detail. For example, if the peer support giver is discussing the person's low grades, the peer support giver first empathizes (e.g. "Yeah, its disappointing and upsetting not to make the grade you wanted."), then comments on his or her achievement in getting this far in the educational system. For example, this could be done by saying:

"You've really done a fantastic job on this assignment. You've come so much further than most people through your hard work and ability to continue despite what others said. You simply have not given up. It's taken a lot of guts to do this. You have the heart of a bear!"

The peer support giver focuses on those positive aspects. Alternately, the focus could be on other achievements the person has accomplished. For example, the peer support giver could say, "You have a lot of outdoor experience that most people could only dream about. You have demonstrated a lot of inventive and natural skills in surviving in the outdoors."

The peer support giver does not let any negative self-statement pass without reflecting it, followed by a corresponding positive statement. For example, whenever the person makes a statement like this: "I'm just a worthless nothing, because I just can't get the grades I used to," the peer support giver can respond in the following manner:

"It's disappointing not to be able to get what you want; on the other hand you have done so well in your others courses. You've clearly demonstrated that you can do it."

The following dialogue demonstrates how it works:

PERSON: (No response to the peer support giver's greeting)

PEER SUPPORT GIVER: "I have always admired the picture of the landscape on your wall and your sensitivity to nature."

PERSON: "That's what I really miss about leaving my home."

PEER SUPPORT GIVER: "I can see that you miss your home a lot, but can you tell me what you liked best about it?"

PERSON: "I liked the smell of the earth and flowers after a rain. I liked walking around and just gazing at the colour of the flowers in forest."

PEER SUPPORT GIVER: "You have a real sense of nature and a sensitivity to all living things. That's a rare gift."

PERSON: "Yeah, but a lot it is doing me now. This place isn't the same."

PEER SUPPORT GIVER: "Yes, it is depressing sometimes not to be able to go home as much as you like, yet you still can appreciate the beauty in nature. Could you tell me some places around here where the flowers are really nice?"

DISCUSSION:

The peer support giver focused the person on something positive, by picking out a strength (i.e., sensitivity to nature). The peer support giver explored the sense of separation by reflecting the feeling and meaning (i.e., focusing on what was liked about nature). In addition, the peer support giver tried to direct the person to experience similar feelings in nature in his/her environment (i.e., exploring places around the community where there are flowers). This is not a false compliment, but a positive reinforcement of what the person does well, and nothing is too small.

Remember:

You are most helpful when you are:

	positive;
	a good listener by being empathic;
	focusing on positive strengths and reinforcing them;
	using the three-step positive asset search.

COMMENT: After the lecture, ask the participants if they have any questions. Be sure not to spend too much time on answering questions, because the modeling and practice enable the participants to learn the most.

ACTIVITY 11.2: Modeling

TIME: 15 Minutes

DIRECTIONS: Ask one of the participants to role play a problem or present an issue that is on his/her mind. What you want to do is demonstrate the positive asset search. If participants have difficulty thinking of an issue to role play or present, you could suggest: loneliness, sadness on the loss of a friend, or an apathetic neighbor. The modeling does not have to be longer than 3-5 minutes.

At the conclusion of the modeling, ask participants to give you feedback using the four feedback guidelines. Be sure to reinforce effective feedback and gently make suggestions to those who do not seem to understand.

ACTIVITY 11.3: Helping Circle

TIME: 60 Minutes

DIRECTIONS: Ask the participants to sit in a circle. The purpose of this activity is to provide the participants with a chance to counter a negative statement with an empathic response and a statement that encourages the person to feel positive. You should demonstrate, with an example, what you want the participants to do.

For example:

Negative Statement: "I feel so hopeless since I bombed that last exam."

Positive Statement: "Yeah, that's discouraging. But you seem to be doing well in your other courses. How do you study for them?"

Analysis: In the helper's response, there was recognition of the feelings (discouragement), a statement reinforcing the person's strengths in other courses (doing well in other courses), and a question that focused the person on problem solving (study methods).

You should point out that the positive statement doesn't necessarily have to focus on the same topic that the person with the issue used. For example, the peer support giver could focus on some positive aspect of the person's other abilities (e.g. the ability to organize or being tenacious). Ask for a volunteer to start things off and anyone who wants to response can do so. Another possibility is to start on your right side with you making a statement and that person responding. Your task is to help focus the participants and offer suggestions for more effective statements.

ACTIVITY 11.4: Practice

TIME: 30 Minutes

DIRECTIONS: Ask the participants to get into a triad, with each participant taking one of the following roles: peer support giver, person, and observer. The peer support giver is to use the positive asset search, the person is to present some issue or problem, and the observer is to give feedback using the feedback guidelines. The observer should also be the time keeper, with the roles lasting 5 minutes and the feedback 5 minutes. After approximately 11 minutes ask the participants to change roles, until everyone in the triad has had a turn in each role. You may have to give the participants some suggestions on issues or problems to present. Some possibilities are:

1. discouragement about future employment prospects;

2. a sense of hopelessness over poor grades;

3. a loss of confidence after failed relationship.

ACTIVITY 11.5: " What I like about you!"

TIME: 20 Minutes

DIRECTIONS: Ask the participants to close their eyes, imagine their best friend is standing in front of them and think about those qualities they like about him/her. Give participants index cards (2x3) and ask them to write down those qualities. After 3 or 4 minutes ask the participants to share with the group those things they wrote on the card. Next, ask the participants to recall the qualities that came up the most and write them on a blackboard. At the end of the activity, summarize qualities mentioned most often.

ACTIVITY 11.5: Giving Feedback

TIME: 30 Minutes

DIRECTIONS: Share with the participants the following:

Feedback is an essential element of the learning and helping environment. Perhaps it is only through feedback that we know how well we are doing in any situation. There are two reasons for giving feedback:

1. To help others by providing information about their behaviours and actions;

2. To develop and maintain good relationships with others.

There are basically two varieties of feed back:1) encouraging feedback which not only helps others feel good about themselves but also assists in building closeness; 2) growthful feedback, which can be uncomfortable but helps people explore problem areas that block good relations. Now ask the participants to find a partner and share some encouraging and growthful feedback based on the following guidelines (Allow 20 minutes for each dyad.):

1. Provide feedback that is descriptive of what the person is doing, and not evaluative or judgmental (e.g., do not say, "That was really stupid," but instead "It seemed like you missed the level of her anger.").

2. Share your feelings using: "I liked . . .," "I didn't like . . .," "I felt . . . .," "I thought . . . ."

3. Be specific rather than general with feedback (e.g., say "I liked the clear, yet respectful, way you shared your thoughts and feelings," rather than "That was good.").

4. Do not order or give more feedback than can be handled.

5. Be honest and respectful and provide feedback as soon as possible after the behaviour.

Allow approximately 11 minutes to process the activity.

ACTIVITY 11.6: The Other Side of the Coin: Pessimist/optimist

TIME: 40 Minutes

DIRECTIONS: Ask the participants to draw on a piece of paper five boxes approximately two inches long and the width of the paper wide. The boxes should be labeled in the following way, with 3 numbered lines in boxes two, three, four and five. Leave box one unnumbered:

Box 1: A Screw-Up

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