HELPING RELATIONSHIPS

"...being in relationships is the manifest spiritual ground of Native being. In traditional perception, nothing exits in isolation, everything is relative to every other being or thing. As [First Nations people] are wont to exclaim: And all my relations..." Joseph Couture (l991, p.59).

[NOTES: The following lecture is only an example of what you could do. Remember, you are least effective when you read the lecture. Think about how you could adapt the lecture to suit your style and the group. Some words and concepts will be unfamiliar to the participants; therefore, you might try to substitute some of the words.]

ACTIVITY: 2.1: Presentation

TITLE: "The Helping Process and the Effective Use of Feedback"

TIME: 20 Minutes

The helping relationship is defined as the process of promoting the growth, development, maturity, functioning and coping skills in another person. Fundamentally, the helping or healing practices used in this process must be consistent with the value system of those you are trying to help. The diversity of First Nations people suggests that understanding how he or she sees the world is the best guide to establishing a helping relationship. Yet among traditional healing practices in all cultures, there seems to be two principal phases of the helping process, an inward exploratory phase and a outward action phase. However, we feel the First Nations approach must include four principle dimensions, expressed in the Medicine Wheel (Figure 2.1). In both phases, the dimensions of the spiritual, physical, emotional and social are explored and utilized. While the wheel represents them in parts, in fact they are integrated into every aspect of our being. Phase one is characterized by an inward direction in which a relationship is established and the problem or concern is explored. This means that the level of trust you develop will form how you interact with the person you want to help. Trust is the principle "grease" that facilitates the helping process. The exploratory nature of this phase suggests that the peer support giver listens in an active way, paying attention not only to what is being said, but also to how it is being said. The second phase of the helping process is characterized by an outward direction in which a course of action is outlined and implemented. The peer support giver works in a cooperative manner as the problem is being worked through. Helping generally does not move in a direct "line." In this sense, helping is cyclical or more like a "wavy circle" as compared to a linear line which moves directly from a statement of the issue to a solution.

GUIDELINES:

At the beginning of the helping process, the peer support giver will find the most effective step is to listen in an active manner. An active listener is empathic and respectful. While empathy and respect are paramount, the active listener must also be very aware of the client while active listening. If you want to be helpful, you must realize the first meeting has the effect of establishing a more trustworthy relationship. Along with this, the person must feel hopeful that he or she can find some support in the contact. Thus, the peer support giver must be aware that:

In building a trusting relationship, the peer support giver should be totally on the side of the one being helped. What you want to do is figure out how the issue looks to them (e.g. "walk in their moccasins"). One way to do this verbally, is to ensure you use empathic responses or phrases that are interchangeable in feeling and meaning (e.g., "I can see why you would be angry at that person, because it seems like she let you down!"). But the response should not have a mechanical or parrot aspect to it. You should feel free to provide expressions of warmth, acceptance, and respect (e.g., "You may not know what to do, but you have a really good insight into the problem."). In many respect, the helping process has to do with helping people talk about the issue in a concrete manner. This seems to have a calming and healing effect because verbalizing often helps each of us to be clearer about what bothers us. Thus, the more concrete you are when clarifying their words, the greater the chance you help them to be clearer about their thinking. Finally, helping should be as natural and spontaneous as any conversation you have with a friend. Use the expressions both of you normally use in everyday conversation.

As a peer support giver, you should always remember that the talking of a concern or problem is therapeutic; therefore, the person should be allowed to verbalize the problem in full. The first phase of the helping process should last as long as it takes to explore the problem. During this time you will notice that there is a gradually intensifying of the feelings. You can intensify the feelings by using words and phrases that are stronger than he or she uses. For example, the peer support giver in the following dialogue uses phrases which intensifies feelings and thoughts:

Person: "After he said that, I felt really bad."

Peer Support Giver: "I can see it hurt a lot."

Person: "That's right. It hurt more than I can say."

Notice the helping response replaced "bad" with "hurt." Hurt is not only more intense, but more accurately describes how the person feels. In addition, this helps to clarify expressions and cement the relationship. The person feels more understood and begins to share more of the problem with the helper. "Seeing is believing, but feeling is God's own truth" conceptualizes what begins to happen. When feelings are talked about the person begins to feel them. This can increase understanding and move the person to a point where a solution to a problem can be acquired. The peer support giver is reflective and generally operates in an exploratory manner. The emphasis is on building trust, understanding and acceptance. Problem solving or finding a solution at this stage is secondary.

During the second phase of the helping process the peer support giver will be most effective when there is a focus on problem solving. During this phase the peer support giver should be natural and spontaneous in sharing feelings and thoughts if the person is to act upon personal difficulties. Thus, the peer support giver focuses on:

During the action-oriented phase the peer support giver continues to use the skills from the first phase, but now the emphasis is on problem solving. The use of positive reinforcement should always be used. In other words, the peer support giver is continuing to validate the person's power to solve the problem. While phase one of the helping process is oriented to building trust, phase two is oriented towards problem solving. This might consist of the peer support giver helping the person develop a plan of action in solving the problem. This involves working out specific agreed-upon actions that the person will carry out.

EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION:

Effective communication means the message you want to communicate is received as you intended it to be received. Yet it is common for the intended message to be misunderstood. This happens because people have different ways of saying things or similar statements may have different meanings for some people. The following are some hints to help you communicate more effectively in a helping relationship:

DO'S                                                                  DON’TS

FEEDBACK:

Feedback is the process of sharing how you feel and think about something. Feedback can be positive or negative. Feedback works best when:

l. it focuses on strengths (e.g., "You have a strong and clear voice when you describe your impressions.");

2. it is specific and concrete (e.g., "I can see your mother is a source of strength for you and so its' not surprising that you miss her guidance.");

3. it is non judgmental; avoid "good" and "bad" (e.g., "That’s really bad way to do that");

4. it is lean (not wordy) and precise.

Feedback can help you share helpful information or personal perceptions about what the person is experiencing. For example, the peer support giver can focus the person on their strengths. In giving feedback the peer support giver encourages the person to feel good about life. In addition, it tells others you view them in a positive manner.

REMEMBER: You are most helpful when you:

1. are empathic and use phrases that help him or her identify their situation, including feelings and thoughts;

2. express warmth, acceptance, and respect for the person;

3. use concrete words in identifying feelings and meaning as the problem is explored in the beginning of the helping process, and be concrete in problem solving;

4. are natural, spontaneous and emphasize comradeship;

5. are able to give feedback that is specific, precise, non judgmental and focuses on strengths.

COMMENT: After the lecture, ask the participants if they have any questions. Be sure not to spend too much time answering questions, because the modeling and practice enable the participants to learn the most.

ACTIVITY 2.2: Modeling

TIME: 15 Minutes

DIRECTIONS: Ask one of the participants to role play a problem or present any issue that is on their mind. What you want to do is demonstrate how you will talk to a person using the helping guidelines. If participants have difficulty thinking of an issue to role play or present, you could suggest a situation in which you were angry about something someone said, or a time when you felt a sense of alienation about being separated from family and friends. The modeling does not have to be longer than 3-5 minutes.

At the conclusion of the modeling, ask participants to give you feedback using the four feedback guidelines. Be sure to reinforce feedback and gently make suggestions to those who do not use it effectively. Remind the participants that they will make mistakes, but that is the best way to learn.

ACTIVITY 2.3: Practice

TIME: 30 Minutes

DIRECTIONS: Ask the participants to get into triads, with each participant taking one of the following roles: peer support giver, person, and observer. The peer support giver is to use the helping guidelines; the person is to present some issue or problem, and the observer is to give feedback using the feedback guidelines. The observer should also be the time keeper, allowing the role play and feedback to last 5 minutes each. After 10 minutes ask the participants to change roles, until everyone in the triad has had a turn in each role. You may have to give the participants some suggestions on issues or problems to present. Some possibilities are:

1. being upset because of the academic work load;

2. feeling lost and lonely in the city;

3. being really hurt because of a broken relationship;

4. being really happy about an upcoming party.

ACTIVITY 2.4: Learning from Mistakes

TIME: 20 Minutes

DIRECTIONS: Model an ineffective counselling interview, in which you give advice, are judgmental, and basically do not listen. Ask the participants what was wrong with the interview. After the interview, ask the group what skills were used well.

ACTIVITY 2.5: Poem: What Does it Mean to You?

TIME: 10 Minutes

DIRECTIONS: Write out the following poem and ask the participants to respond to its meaning:

"To see ourselves as others see us To hear how others hear us And to be touched as we touch others."

COMMENT: The purpose of this activity is to help the participants to be aware of differing points of view. Encourage the participants to share experiences, but remember to pick out important elements of the sharing, focusing on respect and learning from others.

ACTIVITY 2.6: Values Shield

TIME: 60 Minutes

DIRECTIONS: Hand out the following Personal Shield and ask the participants to complete it either by writing their responses in the boxes or drawing symbols that represent their answers. Next, ask them to share their responses with the group until everyone has had a opportunity to present their Personal Shields. [A variation this would be to split the group into dyads or triads and have them share their responses. If you model how to do this before allowing the group to start, it allows the participants to see how it is done and provides them with a chance to know you.]

ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ

NAME

ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿

³ BAND HOME TOWN ³

³ ³

³ ³

ÃÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ´

³ FAVORITE ACTIVITY MOST IMPORTANT ³

³ OR SPORT ACCOMPLISHMENT ³

³ ³

³ ³

³ ³

³ ³

ÃÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ´

³ MAJOR/FAVORITE FUTURE CAREER ³

³ SUBJECT ³

³ ³

³ ³

³ ³

ÃÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ´

³ 3 WORDS YOU WOULD LIKE SAID ABOUT YOU ³

³ ³

³ ³

ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ

ACTIVITY 2.7: Comparing Ineffective and Effective

Helping

TIME: 20 Minutes

DIRECTIONS: Ask the participants to find a partner and, as they face each other, to decide who will be the peer support giver and who will be the person with the problem. Ask the peer support giver to do things that would render the helping ineffective. After 5 minutes, ask them to not only switch roles and but also switch to an effective peer support giver. Take the next 10 minutes discussing how it felt like not to be listened to.

ACTIVITY 2.8: What do you see?

TIME: 20 Minutes

DIRECTIONS: Show the participants the picture of the old-young lady and ask them what they see. If you look at the picture one way you can see an old lady, but if you look at it another way you can see a young lady. This picture was originally drawn by W. E. Hill in 1905 for Puck Magazine. When you show this picture allow 20-30 seconds and then ask the participants these questions:

1. What is the age of the person?

2. What is the occupation of the person?

3. Would you trust this person?

Record the answers of the participants on a blackboard and then discuss the results, paying attention to the following dimensions: differing perception, trust, and stereotypes.

ACTIVITY 2.9: Presentation: The First Meeting

TIME: 30 minutes

DIRECTIONS: Outline the following first meeting between a peer support giver and someone being helped. You should highlight the important points about the helping process. To provide a more useful discussion, after each point asked the participants how they would do this, summarize some of their answers before proceeding on to the next point.

FIRST MEETING

1. This meeting is to allow the person and peer support giver to get to know each other and possibly decide whether working together would be fruitful. The peer support giver should take the lead in structuring and providing an atmosphere of trust;

2. To create a relaxed, casual and non-threatening atmosphere with informal conversational style;

3. Rather than asking personal questions, the peer support giver can make self disclosures either to prompt self disclosures on the part of the person being helped or to allow the person to become more comfortable with the relationship;

4. The use of silence can be valuable as silence allows the person to share an issue at a level he or she feels comfortable with;

5. If a friend or relative is there with the person, accept it as natural;

6. Communicate warmth, caring, genuineness and respect in a natural manner;

7. Explore the person's perception of world. i.e.) explore how they view traditional values, family, living situation, family closeness, support system, and expectations;

8. At the end of the session, ask the person what they would like to do or ask, "if there was a 'magical solution' what would it be ?";

9. Match the person's body language and avoid intense eye contact.