WHAT IS ACTIVE LISTENING?

"We came to help put him into sy 'w n, to take his life, make a better life for himself. So you see my dear ones that's what this can do to a man or woman when you are sick with this sy 'w n, the help you can get, it can stand you right up and make you walk again. This sy 'w n it does work, it does save lives where the doctors and hospitals have given up...you come into sy 'w n and your life is saved!." (Senior ritualist at initiation ceremony)

GOALS: 3.1: To listen in an active rather than passive manner;

3.2: To be able to use empathy effectively;

3.3: To practice using alternative helping skills.

COMMENT: Ask the participants if they have any questions from Module Two, "The Helping Process." Begin this question period by stating you only have 5 minutes to take questions but if anyone has questions you will answer them after the module.

ACTIVITY: 3.1: Presentation

TITLE: Being Empathic and Avoiding Communication Blocks

TIME: 15 Minutes

Active listening involves listening not only to what is said, but how it is said. This means that there should not be a discrepancy between what is said and how it is said (i.e., a match of message and its delivery). For example, if someone voices the following, "I am very angry," with a face that does not look angry, then there might be more to what is being said than the words indicate. A discrepancy suggests dissonance in feelings and actions.

Active listening also involves reaching below the surface of what is being said. Two effective ways of reaching below the surface is paying attention to the feelings and meaning of what is said. Feelings can be focused on by being empathic, while meaning can be explored by reflecting meaning.

Empathy is a word that is often confused with sympathy. What is the difference? The dictionary defines sympathy as a "feeling or expression of pity or sorrow for the distress of another." Empathy, on the other hand, is "the explicit reflecting of the feelings of someone." When you are sympathetic you express sorrow that the person feels as she or he does, but when you empathize, you reflect the feeling back to the person. What is the purpose in doing this in a helping situation? The peer support giver identifies emotions and intensifies the feelings being experienced. In being empathic the peer support giver mirrors feelings, not opinions--for example, "you are angry" and not "you feel that he made you angry". There are many emotions that can be expressed, but it seems to us that there are five core emotions: fear, joy, anger, grief, and love. These emotions are felt in the stomach; thus, empathy is tuning into these internal reactions. Notice too, that feelings are not just an expression of emotions, but thoughts and emotions which are essentially expressed throughout the body.

Some effective examples of empathy are:

PERSON: "I feel sad and lonely."

PEER SUPPORT GIVER: "You are feeling sad and lonely."

PERSON: "I am really happy with what I am doing with my days."

PEER SUPPORT GIVER: "You feel happy and satisfied with what you are doing."

PERSON: "I can't stand it anymore. If I have to talk with her one more time I am going to go out of my mind."

PEER SUPPORT GIVER: "You feel really angry at her and you're not going to be able to take it anymore."

DISCUSSION: The peer support giver identified and reflected the feelings of the person. The reflection allows the person to explore feelings by accepting them and expressing them. Some feelings are expressed with metaphors or similes. For example, common expressions are: "tick me off" (angry), "hit me like a ton of bricks" (grief), "it makes me see red" (anger), "light of my life" (love), and "bursting with joy" (joy).

Empathy is most effective when it matches the person's feelings, thoughts, and meaning. In essence, feelings become interchangeable. However, if the peer support giver intensifies the feelings by adding to what the person says, a deeper level can be reached. For example, if the person says, "I feel so down today," the peer support giver can move more deeply if he/she says something like this: "You feel really sad today." When "sad" is used instead of "down," intensity is added, which allows the person to admit he/she is "sad." Often feelings having a negative aspect are difficult to admit, and so when the peer support giver suggests an emotion, it is somehow easier for the person to admit. An important occurrence is that, as the person talks about feelings, she/he actually feels them. It becomes difficult not to feel anger, for example, when it is talked about.

There are modes of communication which can block interaction and understanding. These blocks must be avoided if effective helping is to occur. The most common blocks are:

Ordering: This involves telling the person what to do. For example, if a sentence is started by "you should" or "you ought," then it is likely that what is said will come across as an order.

Advice: This usually involves giving a solution to a problem. For example, if a sentence starts by "If I were you, I would . . ." or "You could try . . .," then it is some kind of advice. The funny thing about advice is that most people never follow it. In addition, it is possible that, if the helper's advice is followed and it does not work out, then the peer support giver may be blamed. Essentially, the peer support giver should always try to get the person to generate their own solutions. If the person solves the problem, there will be a greater sense of personal power. In the end the peer support giver should do everything possible to increase the person's self-esteem.

Moralizing: This type of statement can produce guilt, because the person feels like he/she has made a mistake. When this happens the person's sense of responsibility is undermined.

Reassuring: An attempt to "jolly" or make the person feel better may give a false sense of security. Sometimes a person needs to be reassured, but it is important to know that, in giving reassurance, exploration of the problem may not take place. In addition, it is possible, for example, that the person may feel it is not "OK" to feel "sad."

Question Bombarding: This involves asking one question after another. When this happens the person may feel he or she is on the spot or getting the third degree.

Arguing: This can often happen if the peer support giver said, "Yes, but . . ." or "I'm not sure . . . ." What can happen is the person may become defensive or may feel inadequate as a result.

Criticizing: Although at times some criticism can be justified, in the long run it is better to avoid. It usually produces negative feelings and defensiveness.

Withdrawing: When a peer support giver turns away or does not attend to the person, what happens is the person may be diverted from the topic. The person may feel he/she is not being accepted, which not only blocks communication, but also lowers the self-esteem of the person.

Interpretation: This involves explaining what is going on with the person. The message is "I understand, so let me tell you what you are feeling or what will happen."

REMEMBER: YOU ARE MOST EFFECTIVE WHEN YOU:

1. are an active listener paying attention not only to how something is said, but also to what is said;

2. reflect feelings by identifying and intensifying them;

3. do not block communication by ordering, advising, moralizing, excessively reassuring, bombarding with questions, arguing, criticizing, withdrawing, and interpreting.

COMMENT: After the presentation, ask the participants if they have any questions. Be sure not to spend too much time on answering questions, because the modeling and practice enables the participants to learn the most.

ACTIVITY 3.2: Helping Circle: Empathy

TIME: 60 Minutes

DIRECTIONS: Ask the participants to get in a circle. Ask for a volunteer to start the activity by making a statement that has some expression of feeling in it. Then, using the guidelines from the presentation, reflect the feeling expressed. Then as the participant sitting to the left of the volunteer to make a statement that has some expression of feeling in it. For example: "I have been feeling really angry at my roommate lately." The next person is to use empathy to reflect the statement. For example: (making a fist) "You feel really angry with your roommate." The person making the empathic statement then makes a statement having some expression of feeling in it. This continues until everyone has had a chance to do it. Remember to give an example of what they are to do before you start and make suggestions or give feedback to the participants after they finish.

ACTIVITY 3.3: Modeling

TIME: 15 Minutes

DIRECTIONS: Ask one of the participants to role play a problem or present any issue that is on his/her mind. What you want to do is demonstrate the use of empathy. The instructor is to identify feelings and reflect them. Sometimes participants have difficulty thinking of an issue to role play or present; thus, you could suggest: loneliness, loss of a friend, illness, or irritation. The modeling does not have to be longer than 3-5 minutes.

At the conclusion of the modeling, ask the presenter how she/he felt. You want to focus the participants on the power of empathy. Next ask the participants to give you feedback using the four feedback guidelines.

ACTIVITY 3.4: Practice

TIME: 30 Minutes

DIRECTIONS: Ask the participants to get into a triad, with each participant taking one of the following roles: peer support giver, person, and observer. The peer support giver is to use the skill of empathy, the person is to present some issue or problem, and the observer is to give feedback using the feedback guidelines. The observer should also be the time keeper, ensuring the role play and the feedback only lasts 5 minutes each. After 10 minutes ask the participants to change roles, until everyone in the triad has had a turn in each role. You may have to give the participants some suggestions on issues or problems to present. Some possibilities are:

ACTIVITY 3.5: Communication Blocks

TIME: 30 Minutes

DIRECTIONS: Demonstrate the communication blocks and ask the participants how they feel about them. First ask the participants to present a problem or issue and then use one of the blocks. Don't tell them which one you are using, but ask them to identify it and say how it makes them feel. For example, if a person said, "I feel so angry at my roommate, I could scream," you could respond by saying, "You should ignore her, anger doesn't get you anywhere."

COMMENT: Many participants hearing about empathy for the first time see it as just repeating what the person said; it is therefore important you make a distinction between parroting and reflecting feelings. In addition, some participants may feel after using empathy that their skill level has decreased rather than improved. One way of demonstrating mastery of the sill is how a warrior's skills must be developed in steps before the complete skill is mastered. For example, the warrior in-training must first learn how to hold the spear, before s/he learns how to throw it. S/He practices each step until it is mastered and s/he is able to use the spear in a natural and spontaneous manner. Helping skills are learned in similar fashion.

ACTIVITY 3.6: Feeling Pantomime

TIME: 30 MINUTES

DIRECTIONS: This activity is played like the familiar party-game, charades. Write down the following words on pieces of paper, fold each one, and mix them up. Taking turns, participants are to act out the feeling on the paper and the group is supposed to guess the feeling. Allow 2 or 3 minutes per participant. A variation is to divide the participants into two groups and have them compete with each other. Each correct answer receives a point. The group with the most points wins. At the end of the activity remember to draw attention to how feelings are expressed nonverbally.

ACTIVITY 3.7: Guided Imagery: What was most helpful?

TIME: 30 MINUTES

DIRECTIONS: While professional counselling skills and traditional healing methods have been found to be extremely effective in helping people, we have always been surprised by ideas that people have learned from their parents, friends, grandparents, neighbors, and pets, just to name a few. The purpose of this activity is to get the participants to reflect on a time in the past when they were helped by someone. In addition, guided imagery can be used, with more practice, as a helping technique. This relaxation activity is used to get the participants in a relaxed frame of mind. You might want to add that everyone has been working hard and you'd like to do something different and less stressful. Tell them this relaxation exercise can be practiced everyday as a means of reducing stress. Start out by using the following statement of Hugh Prather's to emphasize that what is considered helping is sometimes an individual matter:

"The way to be most helpful to others is for me to do the things that right now would be helpful to me".

Ask the participants to get into a comfortable position and ask them to close their eyes. Speaking in a calm, slow and modulated voice use the following script (pause at various places during the monologue so your words reflect a sense of relaxation):

"Imagine yourself sitting in a clearing on a warm Summer day...you can feel the sun beating down on your body, warming you all over....Your body feels heavy and relaxed. You have not a care in the world, but just relaxing....Let all thoughts of tomorrow fade away and just relax...Now, make two fists and hold them as tight as you can...Squeeze, tighter and tighter...Hold it...Now, release your grip and let your hand relax...You can feel the energy leave your hands and float towards the sun...Relax, relax...Now tense your shoulders. Feel the energy in your shoulders as you squeeze them tighter and tighter...Hold it....Now, release them...All the energy that was in your shoulders is now floating towards the sun... Relax and let yourself float....Now, tense your legs....Feel the energy in your legs...Hold them tight as you can...Tighter and tighter....Now release your muscles and let your legs relax...Let the energy drift towards the sun and away from you...Relax...Let all of the energy float out of your body... Just relax...Now, tense your legs, shoulders and fists...Let your muscles make your whole body tense...Hold it...Now release your whole body...Relax and let your body float...All of the energy that was in your body has floated up towards the sun and away from you. You are totally relaxed, calm and quiet... (Let the participants sit quietly for a few minutes, before continuing.) Now, I want you to remember back during a time in your life when you had a problem and your best friend came to your aid...Can you see his or her face in your mind? ...What did she or he look like?...What did he or she say that made you feel better?...Do your remember the words?...The actions?...And the feelings you had towards what your friend did to help you?...(Let the participants sit quietly for a few minutes, before continuing.)...Now, I want you to slowly open your eyes and come back to the circle."

Next, ask the participants if they feel relaxed? Then ask for volunteers to share any things about the guided imagery concerning what was helpful? After each person shares, reflect the feelings contained in what was shared (For example, "You felt respected and completely at ease with your friend.").

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|Page Updated: May 2, 2000 |